expats House sharing: Tips for Flatmates and Sarcastic notes
When you move abroad, you often end up in house sharing. Even though you aren’t a student in a dorm anymore, you are suddenly sharing much more than just a roof. You are sharing your kitchen, your living room, and even your daily moods with people who have their own unique habits.
In many big cities, high rent prices mean that people are sharing homes for much longer than they used to. Because space is tight and money is often a concern, small things can quickly feel like a big deal.
Something as simple as a long shower, a messy kitchen counter, or a loud conversation can lead to major stress. If you don’t set clear expectations early on, these tiny daily problems can easily turn into serious household tension.
What “passive-aggressive” really means
“Passive-aggressive” is a long phrase, but the idea is simple. It is when someone is upset but does not say it directly. Instead, they show it in different ways, like:
- Leaving a note on the fridge: “Please, remember to tidy up?”
- Slamming doors or banging pots
- Doing a chore loudly to send a message
The person feels angry, but they do not want a face-to-face talk. So the feeling leaks out sideways. This happens because people fear conflict. But notes and eye-rolls don’t fix anything; they just make the house feel tense.
Start strong: Talk before you move in
Ask real questions
Many universities and housing sites suggest a pre-move chat with potential flatmates. You can ask:
- What time do you usually go to bed and get up?
- How often do you have friends over?
- How clean do you expect the kitchen to be?
You do not need to agree on everything. You just need to know if your styles clash too much.
Read the ad and the lease carefully
Some house-share ads now have very strict rules: “No pets, no overnight guests, no music, no working from home.” These rules often come from high rent and stress about energy bills and space.
Before you say yes:
- Read the ad again
- Read the lease
- Ask, “Are these rules real, or just wish-lists?”
If the house rules feel too tight for you, it is better to say no before you move in than to fight about it later.
Make simple house rules together
A written agreement on the fridge can save you from months of stress. It doesn’t need to be legal – just a clear plan.
Cleaning: Don’t just hope people will clean on their own. List the chores (bins, floors, bathroom) and decide if you want to rotate tasks weekly or “own” a specific job. Extra tip: If everyone agrees to split the cost, you can hire a cleaner. “If you split the cost, it’s often more affordable than people expect.
Noise: Agree on “quiet hours” (for example, 11 pm to 7 am). If you play games or take late calls, agree to use headphones.
Guests: This is a common cause of arguments. Discuss how many nights a partner can stay over and whether they should contribute to bills if they are there frequently.
Money: Use a shared app to track bills. Set a rule to pay within a few days of the bill arriving. The goal is “no surprises.”
When problems show up: Talk, don’t text
Raise issues early and gently
If something bothers you, raise the issue early and gently. Conflict guides for roommate mediation all stress one thing: talk sooner, not later.
A simple script:
- Pick a calm time. Not when you are angry.
- Use “I” sentences, not “You always…”: “I feel stressed when the sink is full at night.”
- Ask for one clear change: “Can we agree to rinse and stack dishes by bedtime?”
You are not attacking the person. You are describing the problem.
Use notes for info, not for blame
Notes can be useful, but only if they give information, not shame.
Good note: “Bin day is Wednesday. Please put the black bin out on Tuesday night. Thanks!”
Bad note: “Some people don’t know what a bin is”
If you feel the urge to add an eye-roll emoji, it is probably passive-aggressive. Better to have a short talk instead.
When talking is hard
Use mediation or a neutral person
Many student housing offices have roommate mediation – a staff member helps you and your flatmate talk.
Even outside campus, you might:
- Ask a trusted third person to sit in
- Use a tenants’ union or advice centre
- Email the landlord only for real issues (repairs, safety, serious rule breaches)
A mediation guide from Uniplaces says that clear communication and a neutral space help people feel heard, which lowers tension in the home.
Know when it’s time to leave
Sometimes, house sharing just doesn’t work. If you feel unsafe, always anxious, or if someone ignores every rule, it might be time to move. Check your lease for your “notice period” and look for a place that fits your lifestyle better.
The goal is not to “win” the fight. The goal is to have a home where you can rest and feel okay.
Quick guide: House sharing without losing your mind
Before you move in
- Read the ad and lease.
- Ask real questions about sleep, cleaning, guests, work hours.
- Walk away if the rules feel too strict for you.
In the first week
- Sit down and make a simple house agreement.
- Cover chores, noise, guests, and bills. Write it down.
- Swap contact details for emergencies.
When something bothers you
- Don’t wait. Talk early, in person if possible.
- Use “I feel…” instead of “You always…”.
- Suggest a small, clear change.
What to avoid
- Passive-aggressive notes and group chats full of sarcasm
- Gossip in one-to-one chats that never reaches the person who needs to hear it
- Assuming people “should just know” what you want
What to aim for
- A home where people say what they mean, kindly
- Rules that everyone agrees to, not one person imposes
- Enough respect that you can relax after a long day
You moved abroad for new experiences, not new drama. With a bit of honest talk and a few simple rules, you can turn a random house sharing into a real home base for your life.
